I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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