is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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