just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
