It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
