3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
