Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
