You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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