what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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