this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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