You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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