if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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