Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
