"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Quick, to the slutcave!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
