Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
