he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
