you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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