I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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