Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
