I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
