he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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