Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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