someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
