she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.