if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.