You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
