If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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