your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
