why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
