Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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