Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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