Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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