The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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