be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
