i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
