She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's shark week go big or go home
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
