Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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