haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
