You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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