I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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