eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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