If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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