david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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