Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
