Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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