Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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