I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
