We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
