Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
