Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
As shirtless as possible
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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