I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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