Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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