So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
