Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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