if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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