i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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